Emotions and Thoughts

Emotions (Thursday)

I felt sad and quiet all day on Thursday and rather than try to change it, I honored it. I was sad. I was quiet.
It wasn't a terrible sad. It was a good one that seemed to fit the wet, gray weather.
I've been thinking a lot about death lately. I'm not crazy or super depressed, but I was in quite a serious car accident a month ago and I walked away completely fine except for the shoulder injury I've mentioned in other posts. Since then, there have been major earthquakes in Haiti and Chile and, on the complete other side of the spectrum, my best friend had a baby and my brother and sister-in-law are expecting in just a few more weeks.
So there have been a lot of extremes around me. I've also been very overwhelmed by all my responsibilities - school, work, home, family.
So yesterday I felt sad. And last night I cried. A lot. And it was really important for me to do.

Thoughts (Friday)

Today I tried really hard to notice my thoughts and let them go. I maybe got through two "present" breaths during my meditation without some kind of worry, to-do or plan popping up and distracting me.
I was also very tired. I woke up at 3 with a migraine, possibly from the crying, and was up until about 5.30. I had to really get up for the day at 6 for a meeting at a school an hour away. So I was not very rested for the meeting. I was also upset because I felt that the school staff were not doing what the student I work with really needs and then were blaming him for his behavior.
I was also thinking some mean things about them and some pretty smug things about myself. When I realized this, I tried really hard to change my thoughts. The staff are busy and not well trained. They were trying. The have the boy for 6 hours a day whereas I only do for 2.
I got down on myself during the afternoon with a lot of destructive thoughts about my capabilities as a student, a therapist, a person. Thoughts sure do snowball. And even being aware doesn't mean you can stop the snowball. It just means that when you get hit with it, you think, "Damn, that snowball was cold."
Luckily, once I am working, I get completely out of myself. It's hard to even hear my thoughts when I'm working with a group of kids because they are letting you know their thoughts all the time. Including, "Why did you cut your hair? It looks ugly." Field two?
Also, I had an amazing yoga and Kirtan workshop tonight that made me feel like the best person in the world. I don't even know if I was feeling. I wasn't thinking much. Just being. Especially during Kirtan (chanting). Just vibrating. And for our closing meditation, we had to think of a mantra for ourselves. I remembered my day up to that point and how different and great I was now feeling. Our mantr was to be a silent thought. Perfect. I chose Joy and love to me.