Week 9 Coaching Calls

My coach and coachee are such different people and that is really lucky for me. Every week, I get two very different perspectives on life, dialogue and, this week, listening.

First, during my coaching session with Amanda, we discussed her two empathic listening attempts. I say attempts because she initially felt as though she did not have the experiences that she thought she would. Without going into the personal details of her conversations, I'll say that they were more than attempts. Amanda has different views on some big issues in both of her friends life and this seemed like a great start into deeper listening for her. From our past coaching calls, I know that Amanda often defaults to politeness as she does not like to cause waves, especially with people close to her. I think this is both a strength and a struggle for her. She loves her friends despite their differences but I think sometimes we can let politeness get in the way of really listening to and trying to understand others' points of view. Amanda did a great job presensing this week in her empathic listening practice.

Chinrinee had me focusing more on my empatgic listening to myself than of that with the other people I spoke to this week. We talked about listening inside and outside to our own energies and those of the people, places and things around us. Chinrinee helped me to see that I hae grown in empathic listening to myself through the course. In the beginning, I was very hard on myself and the class in general as I felt confused and overwhelmed. But now, I am more gentle with myself and with the speakers/writers/theorists who we're experiencing through the class. Whe she asked what I've taken most from the class in terms of integrating it into my life, I couldn't really tell but I did know that I wished and was trying to practice suspension which is crucial for any kind of listening or knowing.

Week 8 Calls

I felt like the coaching calls I had this week were huge in so many ways.
Amanda was able to have a conversation with her brother, something that she had been inspired to do since the beginning of the coaching sessions, but was not ready to try earlier in the semester. I am learning so much from her. As I have said in previous posts, Amanda is so honest in her reflections on dialogue and her own process and progress. She knows who and where she is. Making the leap outside her comfort zone to talk with her brother is so admirable. I feel very lucky to be part of this community in which we are trusting and sharing with each other.

My call with Chinrinee this week was cathartic as usual. We talked about some really big topics - time and space and being. Can you get any bigger than that? I had a lot of trouble finding words during this call. How do you describe a place that's not actually a place but a state of mind? And is it possible to recreate a space at a different time? I decided yes. Kind of.
The conversation between Isaacs and Scharmer really helped shaping my thoughts during this conversation although I didn't realize it until after our call. Also after our call, I was able to realize why I may be so motivated to do my final project on nonverbal communication - because, really, I am still not convinced that these experiences can be explained.

Being Coached

This is definitely my favorite part of this course. I think I said that before, but I feel the need to re-iterate. Last night, Chinrinee and I had our coaching call. She asked me about my week which led to some venting about frustration and worries concerning both my shoulder injury and my new business. Chinrinee asked me about release. She's very tricky as she souldn't really tell me what she meant but wanted my own perspective. I talked about letting go, physically and emotionally. Chinrinee then encouraged me to draw connections between releasing and suspending. This was great. I was able to realize how a frustrating situation at work was not as bad as I would have made it out to be in the past because I was able to suspend my judgment of the others involved as well as of myself. This led me to make healthy decisions to care for myself and my business.

Perhaps it's selfish, or perhaps it's just where I am right now (a lesson learned from my coachee, Amanda) but I have been thinking about this week's readings and ideas in a very personal way. What I mean is, I have been struggling with some stressors in my life right now, as mentioned above, and have been trying to see what good I can get personally out of practicing these dialogue process concepts. For me, at least right now, I'm not worrying too much about other people as I have to focus on getting myself healthy. Really, I guess it's not that selfish because focusing on my own thoughts and position within dialogue has allowed me to be more open to others and suspend judgment all around. I think this work has to start within.

Coaching Call with Coachee

Amanda and I had a great call this week about field four and empathetic listening. Amanda was very honest in that she seems to have a firm grasp on where she is personally in her life and her dialogue process. Amanda shared that it was difficult for her to be learning about a new field each week as she believes that she is still very much learning from and acting within fields one and two. For her, at this point in time, it is impossible to authentically operate from a presensing perspective.
Although I tried mostly to listen, in the spirit of coaching as we're learning it as well as this week's focus, I asked Amanda if she thought that her own place in the four fields was affecting her view of others' ability and sincerity of speaking and listening in the final two fields. Let me back a moment. Amanda had expressed doubt to me, perhaps even disbelief, that anyone could honestly listen emphatically and fully suspend judgment of both themselves and others. Amanda agreed that her own position within the four fields was probably affecting her view of others as well as her view of others' view/idea of her.
I think this shows how valuable experiential learning is, especially in the study of dialogue.

Emotions and Thoughts

Emotions (Thursday)

I felt sad and quiet all day on Thursday and rather than try to change it, I honored it. I was sad. I was quiet.
It wasn't a terrible sad. It was a good one that seemed to fit the wet, gray weather.
I've been thinking a lot about death lately. I'm not crazy or super depressed, but I was in quite a serious car accident a month ago and I walked away completely fine except for the shoulder injury I've mentioned in other posts. Since then, there have been major earthquakes in Haiti and Chile and, on the complete other side of the spectrum, my best friend had a baby and my brother and sister-in-law are expecting in just a few more weeks.
So there have been a lot of extremes around me. I've also been very overwhelmed by all my responsibilities - school, work, home, family.
So yesterday I felt sad. And last night I cried. A lot. And it was really important for me to do.

Thoughts (Friday)

Today I tried really hard to notice my thoughts and let them go. I maybe got through two "present" breaths during my meditation without some kind of worry, to-do or plan popping up and distracting me.
I was also very tired. I woke up at 3 with a migraine, possibly from the crying, and was up until about 5.30. I had to really get up for the day at 6 for a meeting at a school an hour away. So I was not very rested for the meeting. I was also upset because I felt that the school staff were not doing what the student I work with really needs and then were blaming him for his behavior.
I was also thinking some mean things about them and some pretty smug things about myself. When I realized this, I tried really hard to change my thoughts. The staff are busy and not well trained. They were trying. The have the boy for 6 hours a day whereas I only do for 2.
I got down on myself during the afternoon with a lot of destructive thoughts about my capabilities as a student, a therapist, a person. Thoughts sure do snowball. And even being aware doesn't mean you can stop the snowball. It just means that when you get hit with it, you think, "Damn, that snowball was cold."
Luckily, once I am working, I get completely out of myself. It's hard to even hear my thoughts when I'm working with a group of kids because they are letting you know their thoughts all the time. Including, "Why did you cut your hair? It looks ugly." Field two?
Also, I had an amazing yoga and Kirtan workshop tonight that made me feel like the best person in the world. I don't even know if I was feeling. I wasn't thinking much. Just being. Especially during Kirtan (chanting). Just vibrating. And for our closing meditation, we had to think of a mantra for ourselves. I remembered my day up to that point and how different and great I was now feeling. Our mantr was to be a silent thought. Perfect. I chose Joy and love to me.

Wednesday - Breath

It's funny how much we, I at least, hold my breath without realizing it.

It varies. Sometimes I hold my breath when I'm frustrated. Today, one of the kids I work with at an after school program was giving me a lot of grief. I am new there and he has been testing me since day one. Today was one of those, "if you do it one more time, I'm sending you to the office," days. He did it. I sent him. Or at least I told him to go. And he didn't. He was angry and lifting up the table with his legs (this was the "it" that he did more than one more time). Then he began to yell. It's funny, because I usually think that I am really good in these kinds of situations in that I don't engage and when I do, I never raise my voice or get emotional. Apparently I don't breath either.

Sometimes I hold my breath when I'm really focused on something. Just typing this, or earlier, when I was reading, I found I was repeatedly holding my breath.

I was eating dinner in my car today, something I do way too often as I am on the road throughout the day shuttling between my home, office, clients' homes, schools and various other appointments. Even if I stop and pull over to eat, as I did today, I'm not really taking a break. I realized that I was rushing through my meal, breathing unevenly, still moving even though I was stopped.

Plopping on the couch on the couch with my husband and cat after a long day, a deep sigh comes automatically. Maybe I was actually holding my breath all day. Maybe if I breathe more tomorrow, just stop and breathe deeply every now and then, I won't be gasping or sighing at the end of it. I'll let you know.

Tuesday - Body

I already have a meditation practice but it is not that different from Sakyong Ringpoche’s seated practice. Sometimes I sit, but depending on my body on that particular day, I lay down. Yesterday, I was having a lot of shoulder pain (I was recently in a car accident which left the right side of my neck, back and shoulder in bad shape), so I did my meditation on my back.

Sometimes, it is hard to let go of pain. Thoughts of and worries about my shoulder came in and out of my mind. I repeated returned consciousness to me breath and was eventually (after about 10 minutes) able to become lost in the rhythm of my breathing.

Throughout the day, I tried to focus my awareness on parts of my body other than my shoulder. It was really interesting to realize, through bringing awareness systematically through my body from my head to my toes, that my whole body is out of whack right now. I have been overcompensating for my injured right side with my left and for my sore upper extremities with my lower extremities. My entire right side body down my whole leg was tight!

Because it is very easy for me to become frustrated at my injury, I tried to bring acknowledgment to that place but not dwell on it. Thus, I was able to really feel the rest of my body and try to meditate (both throughout the day and during my evening meditation) on bringing myself back into alignment internally - that is, not actually making physical changes to my posture or gate, but by bringing my thoughts and intentions into the places that felt off. Sometimes, this is all that's needed.

Week 4 Continued

My second call with Chinrinee was great. She really makes me greatful for having this part of the class. I believe she exemplifies the idea that was discussed in several posts this week concerning coaches knowing themselves before they can seek to help others and I feel very lucky to have begun this new friendship. Chinrinee has a great tactic that she uses in which she re-states what I have said after I am done saying it in terms of her own understanding. It really helps me to hear my words spoken back to me with sparse but insightful interpretation from a coach. Her questions are at once broad and specific. for example, Chinrinee often asks me what my one wish would be concerning a difficulty I am facing or a goal I have set. She is a very active listener and I hope to emulate this so that I can transmit the feeling of safety and comfort to those I am coaching and counseling as she does to me.
I ventured to be a bystander this week as I have been trying to do for the past several weeks in a new position I have recently taken although I did not have Isaac's term for it when I began. Chinrinee helped me to realize what a relief it was to not always be a mover or opposer. I was able to listen and engage with a kind of stillness ad peace that I often lack. I had no less control as a bystander but I did feel, looking back on it, less controlling. I have been trying to do this on a persona level through yoga and meditation for years and I feel like some of my hard work and non-work or non-grip (if that makes sense) helped me to finally begin to see that I was using these practices in my relationships with other people as well.
Despite what the assignments may be for this or next week, I am going to try and continue to practice bystanding and noticing how this affects my own dialogue and that of the people I seek to help.

Week 4 Calls

As a coach this week, I felt I was able to help my coachee. And as a coachee, I felt more connected to my coach and less worried about my troubles with the course and the dense theory I've been sometimes struggling to get through.
First, my conversation with Amanda, my coachee. We talked about the four fields of conversation as well as Isaac's four player model. Amanda told me that she most often functions within the field of politeness as she doesn't like to cause conflict or possibly offend people whether they are co-workers, friends or classmates. She also identified herself as a "mover," directing and guiding dialogue when part of a group. Knowing a bit about Amanda - her background in hospitality management and her current path to becoming a teacher - her dialogue patterns made sense to me. She challenged herself this week by having a conversation with her fiancee in which she took the role of opposer. For someone who doesn't like to make waves, interacting in this way with a loved one can be difficult. I reminded her of the importance of moving through Scharmer's fields of dialogue in order to create more meaningful dialogue as well as to honor her own needs and beliefs. Getting to know yourself through dialogue can also help you to better and more deeply see and understand other points of view.
Amanda's second challenge for herself was to have a conversation with her brother with whom she does not have a current relationship due to past difficulties. Amanda chose to wait until after our coaching session to attempt this conversation as she felt she needed more support and advice. She wanted to try and move into the role of follower/bystander in order to listen to her brother's point of view. Although, as I referenced earlier, the literature encourages us to move through the fields of dialogue, my own background as a therapist came into play in my advice to her. In my opinion, I think the most important part of any interaction is safety. I encouraged Amanda to evaluate her feelings about the situation and assess whether or not she would be able to remain in her chosen role safely. In my experience, it is very easy for those functioning withing the field of politeness to neglect their own voice in a situation such as this. At the same time, it is also easy to switch over to the role of opposer when someone is challenging your own deeply held beliefs. The latter would be counter-productive for Amanda's goals and the former may be damaging. Either way, without practice moving through the fields true seeing, hearing and presensing in a situation as extreme as this one may be impossible. Another option is to have a more facilitated dialogue with her brother in which a dialogue leader or outside third party could help to keep the conversation safe and productive. In this instance, however, that did not seem possible.

First Coaching Session

I just finished my first session of being coached by Chinrinee. It was so nice! I realized that having a course on dialogue that only allowed, until this point, for written conversation was counter-intuitive. Perhaps this is just me. I know we live in a world where much communication is written word, specifically web-speak, based and wherein even the theory uses terms that are technological in nature (ex- Scharmer's use of the term "Downloading"), but it is very difficult for me. As I told Chinrinee, I think there is a lot to dialogue that is contact specific in that not everything can be neatly typed out and explained. Further, there are pieces of dialogue that are completely unspoken and untypable such as body language, breath and pause that are lost when dialogue doesn't happen face-to-face. Being able to hear Chinrinee's voice and see her face and movement were hugely helpful in feeling supported. Up until this point I have only felt overwhelmed by the course and although we are able to respond to each other's posts, the time delay and lack of personal energy has left me feeling like a single person engaging in material with other single people rather than being a part of a class or group who is exploring together. I will be very interested to see if these issues are addressed in later readings.